Everyone’s talking about the Verne Troyer sex tape and I’m no different. Since the first time I heard Mini Me was going to pull out his Mini Me dick and put in it a not-so-Mini-Me cunt, I had to jump all over that. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.
Now I’m not sure what the big hoo-hah is with the celebrity sex tape – I remember being one of the first people in my clique who watched the Paris Hilton sex clip and was more intrigued by the way her eyes looked in night vision than her performance of a fellatio on her lover’s cock (which, by the way, is the star of the whole movie, not Paris, despite how gay that may sound). But Verne Troyer? Really? That guy gets laid? I don’t want to be the sort of person who just assumes the little guy doesn’t get any pussy, but seriously?! What the fuck?!
I’m sure E!’s all over this and a Verne Troyer reality series is now in the works. Because isn’t that how most of E!’s reality shows get started? With a sex tape?
This is how I imagine the sex tape to look like. Enjoy:
Swimming for sex tapes on the internet that doesn’t feature celebrities isn’t as hard a teenage boy at an all woman nudist colony. I filed through several amateur videos to bring you something with piazzas, however, because most of you lack imagination, I wound up with several videos like the one posted here. Now I’ve never made a sex tape because I have some decency of not showing the world my cock – believe you me, ain’t nobody in this good earth who wants to see that – but I do know a thing or two about the art of fucking and many of you don’t seem to know that.
While we love to think that the thing that gets us off while watching a fuck flick is the nice teenage pussy in front of us that is not the case. However, the fact that the movie actually has depth – meaning, camera angles and direction – really gets us off. If you just set up your webcam/mini DV on a surface and let it roll, well you’re going to come up with something that is really still and boring. After a few minutes of the same angle, people start to wonder if you know what the fuck you’re really doing.
Take the Paris Hilton sex tape for example. Notice how the schmuck held the camera at times, rather than just leave it somewhere and pray to Allah that it was going to give him a decent shot. Now even Jesus couldn’t give you better advice. Hold the camera, don’t be afraid. And if you’re really into the whole exhibitionist thing, then call up a buddy and say, “Hey, my girl and I are planning to shoot a fuck flick. Do you mind manning the camera?” Now, if you’re buddy isn’t a flaming homo, then this shouldn’t be a problem, unless you’re girl’s a hag. And in which case, that probably wouldn’t be a problem either.
Want more advice? Watch a POV flick anywhere on the internet, or a self made, yet nicely done porn flick by a celebrity of choice or your favorite online couple. Not to mention investing in some editing software so perhaps you can just position the camera elsewhere and add a nice transition from shot to shot, position to position. However, if you’re just making the video for yourself, then by all means, be as boring as you want.
Yeah, sort of like that, but minus the camera work and the loud angry demands of slapping her pussy – I finally found a video that embodied my dream about my ex and her fiend of a friend. And while I’d like to continue on with all the nasty and naughty of that almost wet dream – I swear to god, I woke up with my hand on my dick in desperation – I’d rather not bore you.
The joy of this video, and why I’ll probably want to pull off later, is because the one and only Sasha Grey is in it. I love Sasha and have done so ever since the Entertainment Tonight episode that featured her with several people trying to coax her out of being a porn model. Let’s face it, her strong stance was just as much of a turn on as her body.
In other news, however not free, Ava Knight’s (an aspiring porn star I met on LiveJournal; although she’s no longer aspiring) website debuted earlier this month. I suggest those of you who love hot and sexy women stroll over to her site and get yourself a membership.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me please reintroduce you to Blow Job’s older, yet more unattractive and messier brother, Hand Job. Yes, that’s right, cunts and boners, the hand job is desperate need of a rejuvenation, a rebirth – a renaissance of sorts. While many of your senior prom/high school memories contain your pimp-faced, brace-teethed girlfriend/boyfriend tugging at your hard meat, or fiddling with your pussy – you know the moments where you’re wish s/he’d just get down on there and lick around and suck so you can finally get off – you might think that the hand job was long and dead in your sexual career, but behold! It doesn’t have to be that way.
The hand job is the perfect birthday gift, a sure way to get your lover off without the problems of lock jaw, the smelly regions after a hard day’s work or the wandering pubic hair stuck between your teeth. And the best part of the hand job? You can perform it in front of your guest in the discretion of a table or blanket and will never catch you with your mouth on his Johnson or your tongue lapping at her hive.
So ladies and gentlemen, you can have your hand job today! All you have to do is ask and thou shall receive.
Very few men can actually admit to making their women squirt. It’s an illustrious sexual event and those of us who have hunted in the tangles of shaven and unshaven pussy have attempted achievement. And while I’m here to share sexual fantasies with you, today I have decided to teach you that the achievement can’t always be found within your pants. I don’t care that you have the holiest of grails hidden with your denim and boxers, chances are, if you don’t know what you’re doing, a big dick is pretty much useless to you.
Eating her pussy out is one of the many ways of achieving the squirt. Don’t mimic what you see on your stroke books or skin flicks, but instead educate yourself about the anatomy of the cunt. My suggestion is to read Ian Kerner’s She Comes First. Most of my discoveries in making my lovers cum is through the magic of my hands, as all female orgasms are clitoral orgasms, even ones that take place vaginally.
So give your girlfriend/wife/mistress/hooker something to gush about tonight and become an experienced lover. She’ll be cumming back for more.
I didn’t have enough high school sex, I tell you. I see these barely legal vixens cruising the streets in miniskirts and thongs and I begin to wonder where this sort of pussy was when I was eighteen. I used to fantasize about girls with cunts like the ones strolling around at the mall, spending way too much time in my room stroking off. The imagines in my head would get so extreme that I even contemplated taking up public masturbation in the high school restroom all those years ago.
Thankfully, I’m not old enough to be their fathers, but I am old enough to be their senior year English teacher. And I don’t know what nature is putting in the eighteen-year-olds of this generation, but God knows what I’d like to put into their bodies.
Let me break out of character for just a moment. Most of the shit I write here in first person isn’t my own stories, just what I think most men think. However, never have I deviate from my own personal fantasies. And most normally, I won’t share anything too personal with my readers here because of the content that I write is not exactly how I wish to be remembered. But last night, I had the strangest dream – sexual in nature, I may add.
My exgirlfriend, a small figured girl with small tits, decided to stop for a visit with her big-eyed friend whom I despise with every fiber of my being. Both of them smelled of alcohol – a turn on for most, I assume, but a big turn off for me, or so I thought.
The fiend looked me in the eye and then smirked knowingly to my ex, who then walked over to me and pushed me down. Undoing my pants, my ex worked at getting my cock out in the open. We’d joked about something like this in the past, but never with another woman because of her insecurities.
“What are you doing?” I asked, but it was too late. She was already sliding my cock into her mouth.
Her friend gave me a look and then started stripping off her own clothes before working on the ex’s. I’m not sure the outcome of our fucking, but the end game left me longing to fuck both the cunt of my ex and that of her demonic friend. May God have mercy on my soul.
I was born at the end of the golden age of porn, which is depressing when you’re a person like me. I started watching porn accidentally, but I won’t get into that. I was still sexually confused after my first session of masturbation while watching two hard and long men fucking every orifice of a young blonde woman with just a tuff of blonde pubic hair. And this is more an ode to pubic hair than anything else. While a lot of you men out there like stroking off to barely legal bald pussy, I’m still romanticizing the bush – the 70’s bush.
What a pleasure is it to see men splooging onto the thick carpet of a woman’s cunt. My girlfriends shaved, all but one that is. I worshipped her hairy snatch – don’t get me wrong, she did trim and cut, but never went bald. I loved to go down on her, and while a stray pube might wind up in my mouth, I think I was worth it. Like Hank Moody (Californication character) wrote in a blog, I like to know that the woman I’m fucking is indeed a woman.
Sadly, however, this clip fails to provide me my desires.
Asian women have a youthful quality about them, despite their ages. The barely legal ones have an aura of innocence hidden behind the fuck-me smile they carry when seducing the horny Western business man. Perhaps, and I do speak stereotypically, that American men have way larger penises than those of our Oriental counterparts. Or perhaps we are held with the same exotic quality that we hold those young nymphs when seducing them.
However, nothing has more power over our hard ons than the sailor suit the school girls must wear. It’s the uniform of our wet dreams thanks to popular culture. Just think it makes me want to beat my meat off.
Her ass – big and round, perfectly shaped, jiggling as she walked – was what most men noticed in the gym. I know, because among the ones commenting was me. I could feel the growth already taking hold of the head of my cock, turning it purple. Luckily, however, I got to take her home while the other men had to go home to stroke off or fuck their wives while fantasizing about mine.
“Fuck me,” she said. “I want you to fuck me hard like those men ogling me. Like you were ogling me.”
“Anal?” I asked, hoping my hard, huge cock would get to slide in between those luscious ass cheeks and feel the tightness of her asshole.
