fucking

Everyone’s talking about the Verne Troyer sex tape and I’m no different. Since the first time I heard Mini Me was going to pull out his Mini Me dick and put in it a not-so-Mini-Me cunt, I had to jump all over that. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

Now I’m not sure what the big hoo-hah is with the celebrity sex tape – I remember being one of the first people in my clique who watched the Paris Hilton sex clip and was more intrigued by the way her eyes looked in night vision than her performance of a fellatio on her lover’s cock (which, by the way, is the star of the whole movie, not Paris, despite how gay that may sound). But Verne Troyer? Really? That guy gets laid? I don’t want to be the sort of person who just assumes the little guy doesn’t get any pussy, but seriously?! What the fuck?!

I’m sure E!’s all over this and a Verne Troyer reality series is now in the works. Because isn’t that how most of E!’s reality shows get started? With a sex tape?

This is how I imagine the sex tape to look like. Enjoy:

She was playing with those fuck toys I got her for last Christmas when I came home from last night’s rendezvous. My mind was still on those big tits when I saw her slick pussy eating up the dildo. She had straddled it reverse cowgirl. Her ass moving, grinding into the sheets and rubber. Moaning louder and louder.

“Miss me, I presume,” I said as I began to grope my hard on.

“You never came home,” she replied. “I got desperate.”

I nodded, undoing my belt. “How about you fuck this instead?”

“How about you fuck me? Hard.”

I nodded and watched as she lifted her ass off the rubber cock. She positioned herself on all fours. “Well,” she said, “what are you waiting for?”

You know what they say about assholes: Spit on them or grease them up and they’re easier to fuck. And most sluts are already loose enough that the cock head just slides down the tunnel of their backdoor. So as I’m plowing my best friend’s wife and he’s taking on the girlfriend, it hits me: I’ve never really felt anything this tight before. From the floor, I can hear her muffled, orgasmic cries as I shove deep in her. She’s begging me to cum inside her tight shithole. “Hard!” she commands and I give my friend a look over. “You better not keep her waiting,” he says.

“Fuck me!” she shouted. We were in the living room and the slut took off her clothes. What was I supposed to do? A hot, big-titted cunt was standing in front of me and I was supposed to turn away and not get fucked? There was no way in hell I was going to pass that up. So I took her and bent her over, watching as her ass pushed up towards the head of my cock. Maybe I can get away with this and the girlfriend will never suspect a thing. I’m never this lucky, by the way. So why the hell not?